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Bawdy limericks
Mingusmore_vert

A sensitive aardvark called Mingus

Found foreplay hard work with no fingers.

But his praises are sung

For his fourteen inch tongue

Gives his ladies a pleasure that lingers.


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Wine hermore_vert

Although candy is dandy, what’s finer

And much quicker is liquor, so wine her.

Is a peck on the cheek

All the boon that you seek?

Tut! The odds say your goal’s her vaginer.


by Ogden Nash


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ID cardmore_vert

There once was a security guard

Who had some troubles keeping it hard

He jerked it off nightly

And squeezed it tightly

While looking at his identification card.


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Noicemore_vert

Breathed a tender young man from Australia

My darling, please let me unveilia,

And then, of my own,

If you'll kindly lie prone,

I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.


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Chinese foodmore_vert

A sweet farmer's daughter named Kay

Met a slick city waiter one May.

He asked, "In the mood

For some good Chinese food?"

So they had a spring roll--in the hay


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Yes piousmore_vert

The Pious Mahatma Gandhi

Awoke one morn with a dandy

He exclaimed to an aide,

Go get me a maid

Or a goat, or anything handy


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Oudinimore_vert

A young escape artist by the name of Sweeny.

His girl was a bit of a meany.

At the hatch of her snach.

She had a catch that would latch.

So she could only be fucked by Houdini.


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Use sandpapermore_vert

There was a young lady of Worcester

Who complained that so many men goosed her.

So over her caper

She laid some sandpaper

Now they goose her much less than they used ter.


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Spicy spousemore_vert

"Adultery," said Joseph, "is nice;

If once is all right—better twice.

This doubling of rations

Improves my sensations,

For the plural of spouse, friend, is spice."


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Poor headmore_vert

There once was a Warden of Wadham

Who approved of the folkways of Sodom,

For a man might, he said,

Have a very poor head

But be a fine Fellow, at bottom.


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Noveltymore_vert

Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse

By all the lads in his class,

He say with a yawn,

"Now the novelty's gone,

It's only a pain in the ass."


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Hole in onemore_vert

A golfer who came from Calcutta

Had thoughts much too pungent to utter.

When his wife, as he found,

After commencing a round

Was whisking the eggs with his putter


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Grind of a kindmore_vert

A gal who was always behind

In her chores, said her spouse did not mind:

“My gifts in the sack

Make up for this lack.

I excel at a far diff’rent grind.”


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Fucking ghostmore_vert

When the holy ghost came, say traditions,

Mary acted without inhibitions.

She had God on her side,

And then had him astride,

And in several other positions.


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Caesar would notmore_vert

Cleopatra, while helping to hump

Ground out such a furious bump

That Anthony's dick

Broke off like a stick

And left him pump with a stump.


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Oh, Nellymore_vert

There was a young lady from Thrace

Whose corsets grew tight to lace.

Her mother said, "Nelly,

There's more in your belly

Than ever went in through your face."


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Talented womanmore_vert

A slut named Mary, to begin,

A talented woman of sin

With a nod and wink

She flashed some pink

And said, "everyone's welcome, come in."


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Sollymore_vert

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly,

Her innocence lost through young folly;

His name was Sing Chum,

And too soon he did cum,

And all he could say was "I'm solly!"


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For a pennymore_vert

There once was a lass from Kilkenny,

Whose usual price was a penny,

For half of that sum,

You could finger her bum,

And have money left over for Denny’s.


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Bratwurstsmore_vert

A hot little nurse named Hearst

Got off with a bratworst;

But her pleasure now lies

In non-deli guise

As the interns take turn for the wurst.


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Hindsightmore_vert

There was a young lass named Wainright

Who enjoyed the position that a dog might,

Over the should she found

When she looked around

A whole new mean for hindsight


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Dentist Practicemore_vert

There was a young dentist Malone

Who had a charming girl patient alone.

But in his depravity

He filled the wrong cavity,

God, how his practice has grown!


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Hickory dickory dockmore_vert

Hickory dickory dock,

The mouse ran up the clock;

The clock struck one

And down he run;

Hickory dickory dock.


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Mixing maddermore_vert

While Titian was mixing rose madder,

His model reclined on a ladder.

Her position to Titian

Suggested coition,

So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.


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Right up my alleymore_vert

There was a young gal name of Sally

Who loved an occasional dally.

She sat on the lap

Of a well-endowed chap

Crying, "Gee, Dick, you're right up my alley!"


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Tree huggermore_vert

A young man who fucks knotholes in trees

Says revenge is his reason, and he’s

Had relations with shrubs

Since the best garden clubs

Snubbed his purple and pink peonies.


by Coen brothers


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Misdirectedmore_vert

In the dark, the girl’s innocent chum

Misdirected his dick up her bum.

Being told gently so,

The lad piped, “Penis? No!

This is how I’ve stopped sucking my thumb!”


by Coen brothers


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An infamous hallmore_vert

There once was an infamous hall,

Where there was no gravity at all.

What a glorious feeling

To screw on the ceiling

And to ball on the wall and not fall!"


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Nippily lovemore_vert

There once was a fellow from Tripoli

Who liked to make love rather nippily.

Complained one young lass

While rubbing her ass:

"Less teethily, please, and more lippily!"


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Wee pinmore_vert

Said a certain young man with a grin,

"I think it is time to begin."

Said the girl with a sneer,

"With what? Why, your pee-er

Is scarcely as big as a pin."


by Isaac Asimov


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We all get oldmore_vert

There was an old lady of Brewster

Who would mutter, whenever I gewster,

“You’re losing the knack,

Or you’re missing the crack,

'Cause it don’t feel as good as it yewster.”


by Isaac Asimov


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Temptress of the Nilemore_vert

Cleopatra’s a cute little minx

With a sex life that’s loaded with kinks

Marcus A. she would steer amid

The palms and Great pyramid

And they’d screw on the head of the sphinx.


by Isaac Asimov


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Dessertmore_vert

There was a young woman named Rhoda

As sweet as a chocolate soda.

It was such a delight

To screw her at night

Then once more at dawn as a coda.


by Isaac Asimov


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An utter disastermore_vert

There was a sweet girl of Decatur

Who went to sea on a freighter.

She was screwed by the master

-An utter disaster-

But the crew all made up for it later.


by Isaac Asimov


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Quit lyingmore_vert

There once lived a man in DC

Who with the intern did the naughty,

He refused to confess

But the proof's on the dress;

So he quit lying to us on T.V.


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Roger the lodgermore_vert

A lovely young lady from Lod

Thought children all came from God

But it wasn't the almighty

That lifted her nighty

It was Roger the lodger; the sod!


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The eunuchmore_vert

In the harem the lonely girl calls

To the eunuch outside on the walls

Come in here she cried

And the eunuch replied

I would but I ain't got the balls.


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Not much of a sinmore_vert

There was a young man from Lynn,

Whose prick was the size of a pin.

Said his girl with a laugh,

As she fondled his staff,

"This won't be much of a sin."


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A lady from Mainemore_vert

There was a young lady from Maine,

Who enjoyed copulating on a train.

Not once, I maintain,

But again and again,

And again and again and again.


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A lady named Roodmore_vert

There was a young lady named Rood,

Who was such an absolute prude

That she pulled down the blind

When changing her mind

Lest a curious eye should intrude.


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Backachesmore_vert

My back aches and my pussy is sore;

I simply can't fuck anymore,

I'm covered in sweat,

You haven't come yet,

And, my god, it's quarter to four.


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A man from Van Islemore_vert

There once was a man from Van Isle

Who said just jogging wasn't his style,

"I'll get my workouts," he said,

"At home in my bed;

'Cause a miss is as good as a mile."


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A man from Australiamore_vert

There once was a man from Australia

Who had extra-large genitalia,

He said to his bride,

Don't try to hide;

"'Cause wherever you go I can nail ya"


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On Monica Lewinskymore_vert

As Monica held on his bum,

Bill told her to swallow his cum,

She'd later confess,

That it dripped down her dress,

Now everyone says he's dumb.


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On Brigid Brophymore_vert

The first man to fuck Brigid Borphy,

Was awarded the Krafft-Ebing Trophy,

Plus 10'000 quid,

Which, for what the chap did,

Will be widely denounced as a low fee


by Kingsley Amis


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A man from Brightonmore_vert

There once was a man from Brighton,

Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one,"

She said, "Pardon my soul,

But you're in the wrong hole.

There's plenty of room in the right one."


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A lady named Janemore_vert

There once was a lady named Jane,

Who screwed a moose on the back of a train,

On her head, antlers grew,

And she started to "moo",

But doggie-style wasn't a strain.


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Sex machinemore_vert

There once was a man named Eugene,

Who invented a fucking machine.

Concave and convex,

It served either sex,

But man was it a bitch to clean.


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A man from Nantucketmore_vert

I once knew a man from Nantucket,

Whose dick was so long he could suck it,

He said with a grin,

With cum on his chin,

If my ear was a cunt I'd fuck it!


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A man from Saint Loumore_vert

There once was a man from St. Lou,

Who gave his dear sister a screw,

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."


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A fella named McSweenymore_vert

There once was a fellow McSweeny,

Who spilled some gin on his weenie,

Just to be couth,

He added vermouth,

Then slipped his girlfriend a martini.


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A fella named Skinnermore_vert

There was a fella named Skinner,

Who took this young girl out to dinner,

Everything was going fine,

And by half past nine,

It was in her, not Skinner the dinner.


by Christopher Hitchens


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A young lady from Bruggesmore_vert

There was a young lady from Bugges,

Whose thing was remarkably huge,

Observed Louis Quatorze,

As she lured her drawers,

Et bien apres vous, le deluge.


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A girl named Sapphiremore_vert

There was a young girl named Sapphire,

Who succumbed to her lover’s desire,

She said “It’s a sin,

But now that it’s in,

Could you shove it a few inches deeper?”


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A man from Saint Rosemore_vert

There was a young man from St. Rose,

Whose love life was so full of woes,

He loved sixty-nine,

He’d do it all the time,

But always got shit on his nose.


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A gypsy named Rosemore_vert

There was a young gypsy girl Rose,

With obsessions for gentlemens’ hose,

Up her pussy, her rear,

In her mouth and each ear,

And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.


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A man named Davemore_vert

There once was a man named Dave,

Who kept a dead whore in a cave,

She had only one tit,

And smelled worse than shit,

But think of the money Dave saved.


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A maiden from Francemore_vert

A pretty young maiden from France,

Decided she’d “just take a chance”,

She let herself go,

For an hour or so,

And now all her sisters are aunts.


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A man from Bombaymore_vert

There was a young man from Bombay,

Who shagged 20 chickens a day,

He wouldn’t stop fucking,

Till they all started clucking,

Then he’d eat all the eggs that they lay.


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A man from Bonairemore_vert

There once was a man from Bonaire,

Who was doing his wife on the stair,

When the banister broke,

He doubled his stroke,

And finished her off in midair.


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A horny sailormore_vert

A horny young sailor named Clark,

Who picked up a slut in a park,

She was ugly and crude,

And a horror when nude,

But she was good for a shag in the dark.


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