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Genital limericks
Sopranomore_vert

A singer who came from Milano

Had privates made out of Meccano.

He sang bass-tenor, but

By unscrewing one nut

He could also reach mezzo-soprano


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Why bothermore_vert

A thrifty old man named McEwen

Inquired, "Why bother with screwing?

It's safer and cleaner

To finger your weiner,

And besides you can see what you're doing."


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Maidenheadmore_vert

A certain young man I'm not namin'

Asked an actress he thought was tamin'

"Have you your maidenhead?"

"Don't be silly!" She said,

"But I still have the box that it came in."


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Wrong lipsmore_vert

There was a girl from Aberystwyth

Used to kiss with the lips that she pissed with

By way of adventure

She fitted a denture

Now she's got a front bum she eats crisps with


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The insomniacmore_vert

An insomniac young fellow named Hatches

Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez

He still tossed and turned

Half the night, but he learned

How to manage by sleeping in snatches.


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A vasectomy surgeonmore_vert

A vasectomy surgeon named Goff

Said drinkers would probably scoff,

For the pleasure was gone

From tying one on,

He preferred to be tying one off.


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Hiding eelsmore_vert

The sea captan's tender young bride

Fell into the bay at low tide,

You could tell by her squeals

That some of the eels

Had discovered a good place to hide.


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Arrmore_vert

There once was a pirate from Yates,

Who could dance the Fandango on skates,

He fell on his cutlass,

Which rendered him nut-less,

And perfectly useless on dates.


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Trigoknobmore_vert

Old George had an odd looking dangular

Rectangular? No but triangular;

Isosceles too.

Three-dimensional? True;

Therefore, tetrahedronically angular.


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Butcher Frankmore_vert

Contravening guidelines on health,

Butcher Frank likes exposing himself.

But he hides it away

In the sausage display,

When young ladies come up to the shelf.


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Glass bollocksmore_vert

There was a man from Belgras.

Who had balls made out of glass,

On hot sunny days,

They focused the sun's rays

And burned all the hairs off his ass.


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Date in the Cretaceousmore_vert

She did not date in Early Cretaceous,

Being spiky, cold-blooded, pugnacious;

And then how many males

Go for vulva with scales

And vaginas so clammy and spacious?


by Coen brothers


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Katherinemore_vert

"Cat," he said at the bar. "Really. Is

That for Katherine, Miss? — Mrs.? Uh... Ms.?"

She blinked blankly at him,

Lifted one lazy limb,

Licked her privates, and trod upon his.


by Coen brothers


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Matching equipmentmore_vert

There once was a lady from Natchez,

Who chanced to be born with two snatches,

And she often said: "Shit!

Why, I'd give either tit,

For a man with equipment that matches."


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Peculiar trickmore_vert

There once was a man from St. Pauls

Who used to perform in the halls

His favorite trick

Was to stand on his prick

Ad roll off the stage on his balls


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Iambic pentametermore_vert

There once was a Scot named McAmeter,

Whose tool had prodigious diameter.

But it wasn't his size

That gave girls their surprise...

'Twas his rhythm--iambic pentameter.


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Fucking rudemore_vert

There was a young maid from Bewd

There was a young maid from Bewd

A man on the front

said "I think I smell cunt!"

Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude!


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An architect named Yorickmore_vert

An architect fellow named Yorick,

Could when feeling euphoric,

Display for selection

Three kinds of erection:

Corinthian, ionic and Doric.


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You call that a dressmore_vert

My God! Do you call that a dress?

The material couldn't be less!

What there is, is so thin

And transparent; it's a sin,

And causing my trousers distress.


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Nuts and buttsmore_vert

A psychiatrist and a proctologist from Stutts

Did really show some pure guts.

They put up a sign

At 4th Street and Vine.

That read we treat nuts and butts!


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Dining with a Kingmore_vert

The last time I dined with a King,

He did this very curious thing:

He sat on a stool

And took out his tool,

And said "If I play will you sing?"


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A girl called Anniemore_vert

There was a young girl called Annie

Who had a particular fanny,

She went to the doc,

He said that "that's a cock.'

Now everyone calls her Danny


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A Vulcan named Spockmore_vert

There once was a Vulcan named Spok

Who tried stroking his monstrous cock,

With lust went berserk

And beseeched Captain Kirk,

"Bend over, this shuttle must dock!"


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Tripletsmore_vert

A lady once triplets begat,

Named Nat and Pat and Tat,

Though it was fun breeding,

The trouble was feeding,

Cause there just was no tit for tat.


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White pubesmore_vert

Said a woman with open delight,

My pubic hair's perfectly white,

I admit there's a glare,

But the fellows don't care

They locate it more quickly at night.


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A girl named Hortensemore_vert

There once was girl named Hortense.

The size of he breasts was immense.

One day playing soccer,

Out popped her knocker,

And she kicked it right over the fence.


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A lady named Clairemore_vert

There was a young lady named Claire,

Who possessed a magnificent pair,

Or that's what I thought,

'Til I saw one get caught,

On a thorn, and begin to lose air.


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A barmaid named Galemore_vert

There once was a barmaid named Gale,

On whose breasts was the menu for ale,

But since she was kind,

For the sake of the blind,

On her ass it was printed in Braille.


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A man from Calcuttamore_vert

There once was a man from Calcutta.

He jerked off in a gutter,

The tropical heat,

Affected his meat,

And instead of cream he got butter.


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A man from Pompeimore_vert

There once was a man from Pompei,

Who fashioned a snatch out of clay,

The heat from his prick,

Turned the clay into brick,

And tore all his foreskin away.


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A lass from Tacomamore_vert

I once knew a lass from Tacoma,

Whose twat had a wondrous aroma,

When the lads took a whiff,

About half would get stiff,

The rest would fall into a coma.


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A girl from Shalankermore_vert

There once was a girl from Shalanker,

Whose cunt was as big as a tanker,

You could go for a swim,

In the depths of her quim,

And you needed a lamp post to wank her.


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An old man from Goshammore_vert

There was an old man from Gosham,

Who took out his balls to wash ’em,

His wife said “Jack!,

If you don’t put ‘em back,

I’ll stand on the fuckers and squash ’em!”


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A woman named Jillmore_vert

There once was a woman named Jill,

Who tried a dynamite stick for the thrill,

They found her vagina,

In South Carolina,

And bits of her tits in Brazil


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A hooker from Kewmore_vert

There was a hooker from Kew,

Who used to fill her pussy with glue.

Then say with a grin,

If they can pay to get in.

They can pay to get out too!


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A bent penismore_vert

There was a young man from Kent,

Who had a penis so long it bent,

It was so much trouble,

That he kept it double,

And instead of coming he went.


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The lassmore_vert

The lass I brought home was a prize,

With an alluring set of blue eyes,

Her breasts, so well kept,

Were what I'd expect,

But her penis was quite a surprise


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A girl from Whickmore_vert

There was once a girl from Whick,

Who said to her mum "What's a dick?"

She said "My dead Annie,

It goes up your fanny,

And jumps up and down 'till it's sick.


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A lady from Nizesmore_vert

There was a young lady from Nizes,

Who had tits of two different sizes,

One was so small,

It was nothing at all,

but the other was so large, and won prizes!


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A woman named Vicmore_vert

There once was a woman named Vic,

Who pleasured herself with a stick,

She once got it stuck,

Said ‘what the fuck?’,

And now there’s no room for a prick.


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Latin limerickmore_vert

There was a young man named Rex,

With exceedingly small organs of sex,

So in charge with exposure,

He replied, with composure,

De minimis non curat lex.


by Christopher Hitchens


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A girl from Hong Kongmore_vert

There was a young girl from Hong Kong,

Whose cervical cap was a gong.

She said with a yell,

As a shot rang her bell,

"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"


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