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Unsavoury limericks
Your mommore_vert

There was a lady where I'm from,

Who uncontrollably guzzled cum.

She had earned her fame,

Now what was her name?

I believe she was called "your mom."


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Yuckmore_vert

There was a young lady called Lucky

Whose cunt was incredibly mucky

When told to have a bath

She said " yer having a laugh "

Men love the smell of yucky.


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Wet Dreammore_vert

There was a young man from Montrose,

Who had a wet dream, I suppose.

His landlady said,

As she cleaned up his bed,

"That didn't come out of his nose".


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Pudendamore_vert

That naughty old Sapho of Greece

Said: 'What I prefer to a piece

Us to have my pudenda

Rubbed by the end'a

The rosy pink nose of my niece.'


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Abstinencemore_vert

A naughty old lady of Spain

Decided she'd have to abstain.

But plugging the entry

That favoured the gentry

Excited the lady again!


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Cheap pupsmore_vert

A broken-down lecher named Tupps

Was heard to confess in his cups:

"The height of my folly

Was diddling a collie -

But I got a nice price for the pups."


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Stickymore_vert

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit

"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"

"Of course not," said the hare,

"It's really quite rare!"

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.


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Baby got backmore_vert

My god, Becky, look at her butt.

It's so big, like, look at her strut.

I bet those rap guys

are digging her thighs.

And doesn't she look like a slut?


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Save the Queenmore_vert

There was a young man from Newcastle,

Who could wrap himself up like a parcel,

And in that position,

He did a rendition,

Of God Save the Queen through his arsehole.


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Crassmore_vert

You may think these limericks are crass

And throw me a comment to sass,

But I will agree

To some degree

And I’ll still show you the crack of my ass.


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The wrong onemore_vert

A new farmer's helper named Kull

Accidentally was milking a bull.

The farmer said: "Boy yer dumb,

You done milk the wrong one!"

Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."


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You chickenmore_vert

Now this old man was a sick'un

He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'

He'd chase 'em around

With his trousers pulled down

And he'd say: "whatsa matter? You chicken?"


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Healing pissmore_vert

A spiritual healer named Lee

Ducked in an alley to pee,

He pissed in the eye

Of this blind homeless guy,

Who screamed: " Holy Shit! I can see!"


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Quite loudmore_vert

There was a young man from Rangoon

Whose farts could be heard to the moon.

When you'd least expect 'em,

They'd burst from his rectum

With the force of a raging typhoon.


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Shit in a parcelmore_vert

There once was a man from newcastle

Who wrapped up a shit in a parcel,

He sent it by plane,

With a note to explain

That it came from his grandmother's asshole.


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Moonlight Sonatamore_vert

There was a young fellow from Sparta;

A really magnificent farter.

On the strength of one bean,

He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"

And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata


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Lengthy sessionmore_vert

A man called Percival Lee

Got up one night for a pee.

When he got to the loo

It was quarter to two,

And when he got back it was three.


by Spike Milligan


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Dutch Elmmore_vert

Be he victim or vandal or sleaze,

He ignores Pete the Park Ranger’s pleas:

Not to put on a condom,

Pete says, is beyond him

These days what with Dutch Elm Disease.


by Coen brothers


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A spermmore_vert

A sperm faced his moment of truth,

But alas and alack and forsooth!

He'd expected to fall

On a womb's spongy wall

But was dashed to his death on a tooth.


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Two girls one cupmore_vert

Two girls, one cup and some poo

Caused an internet hullabaloo.

If you stumble upon it

You're certain to vomit

When you see what those young ladies do.


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How to spell cuntmore_vert

There was a young Duchess of Bray,

Who, you may find it strange when I say,

In spite of her station,

And high education,

Would always spell cunt with a K.


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A pervert named Mannymore_vert

There once was a pervert named Manny

Who stuck his long prick in his fanny.

What's this shouting about?

It seems he can't get it out!

He can't shit, he can't piss, it's uncanny!


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A lady from Vanvapermore_vert

There was a lady from Vanvaper

Who wiped her butt with brown paper;

The paper was thin,

Her fingers slipped in,

She no longer used that brown paper.


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A hacker named Kenmore_vert

There once was a hacker named Ken

Who inherited a truckload of Yen,

So he built him some chicks

Of silicon chips,

And hasn't been heard of since then!


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A girl from Sri Lankamore_vert

There was girl from Sri Lanka

Whose cunt was as big a tanker,

You could go for a swim

In the depth of her quim

And needed a lamppost to walk her.


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A fishmonger called Babsmore_vert

There once was a fishmonger called Babs

Who sold cod, skate, place and dabs,

He had sex with me,

And caught my VD.

Now he's a purveyor of crabs.


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An artist named Saintmore_vert

There once was an artist named Saint

Who swallowed some samples of paint,

All shades of the spectrum,

Flowed out his rectum

With a colourful lack of restraint


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A young man named Davemore_vert

There once was a young man named Dave

Who kept a dead whore in a cave,

It only had one tit,

And smelled like shit,

But imagine the money Dave saved!


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A royal fartmore_vert

Oh, did the air turn green,

When a fart came from the Queen.

The court sat aghast,

At the Royal blast,

But stood and sang; "God save the Queen!"


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The snobbish Garsallmore_vert

That snobbish surrealist, Garsall,

Once did himself up in a parcel;

He addressed it ‘Lord Garsall,

The Keep, Garsall Castle’

And mailed it first-class up his arsehole.


by Robert Conquest


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An old count from Swobodamore_vert

There was an old count from Swoboda

Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.

So, with great savoir-faire,

She stood on a chair,

And pissed in his whisky-and-soda.


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A first mate named Cartermore_vert

The ship's first mate was named Carter

Oh but he was a farter.

When the wind wouldn't blow

And the ship wouldn't go,

It took Carter the farter to start Her.


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On Philip Toynbeemore_vert

One cannot when dealing with Toynbee,

Just pay him back in his own coin be

Cause talking such piss

Would come rather amiss,

And so how would a kick in the groin be?


by Kingsley Amis


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A man from Savannahmore_vert

There was a young man from Savannah,

Who died in a curious manner:

He whittled a hole,

In a telephone pole,

And electrified his banana.


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Asstronomicalmore_vert

Relativity, the theorists’ creed,

Says mass increases with speed.

My (m)ass grows when I sit it.

Mr. Einstein, get with it;

Equate its deflation, I plead!


by Michael Ray Burch


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At the zoo IImore_vert

When I came back to roger the gnu,

I was scarcely delayed coming through,

And the staff – most polite,

Cried, “please stay overnight”,

It’s a privilege granted to few.


by Kingsley Amis


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At the zoo Imore_vert

There was plenty of good-natured chaff,

When I popped in to fuck the giraffe,

And the PRZS,

Could hardly suppress,

A dry professorial laugh.


by Robert Conquest


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Shit or shitemore_vert

A usage that’s seldom got right

Is when to say shit and when shite,

And many a chap,

Will fall back on crap,

Which is vulgar, evasive, and trite.


by Robert Conquest


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A fellow called Shitmore_vert

There was a young fellow called Shit,

A name he disliked quite a bit,

So he changed it to Shite,

A step in the right

Direction, one has to admit.


by Robert Conquest


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A vampire named Mablemore_vert

There was a young vampire named Mable,

Whose periods were totally stable.

So every full moon,

She'd sit with a spoon,

And drink herself under the table.


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A woman from Ealingmore_vert

There was once a woman from Ealing,

Who had a rather funny feeling,

She laid on her back,

And opened her crack,

And shat all over the ceiling.


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A mister from Blistermore_vert

There was a young mister from Blister,

Who knocked up his gal as he kissed her,

But he couldn’t afford,

A new baby on board,

So from then on he just had to fist her.


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A crazy old manmore_vert

Twas a crazy old man called O’Keef,

Who caused local farmers much grief,

To their cows he would run,

Cut their legs off for fun,

And say “Look, I’ve invented ground beef!”


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